What Not to Say to a Heartbroken Person: A Guide to Compassionate Support

When someone we love is grieving, we want to help. We want to say the right thing, offer comfort, and ease their pain. But all too often, our words—no matter how well-meaning—can unintentionally hurt rather than heal.

In my last post, I shared how to witness someone’s pain with presence and compassion. Today, I want to focus on what not to say to someone in grief. Understanding these common missteps can help you become the kind of support your heartbroken person needs.

Phrases to Avoid—and Why

Here are some phrases that grieving people often hear, followed by why they may do more harm than good:

• “Well, at least…”
  ("At least you had 25 wonderful years together" or "At least you have other children.")
  Ouch. These statements, while attempting to highlight the positive, minimize the griever's pain. Loss is loss, and no “at least” can lessen the hurt.
• “I know how you feel.”
  Grief is as unique as a fingerprint. Even if you’ve experienced a similar loss, their heartbreak is shaped by their unique relationship and experience. 
• “She’s in a better place.”
  While some find comfort in spiritual beliefs, others may not. For many, the “best place” is right here, with them.
• “God will never give you more than you can handle.”
  This can feel dismissive and imply that they should be coping better. Grief often feels overwhelming—and that’s okay.
• “It’s going to get better. I promise.”
  While time can bring healing, grief doesn’t follow a predictable timeline. Promises like this can feel like an oversimplification of their pain.
• “Everything happens for a reason.”
  Sometimes, there’s no reason that can justify profound loss. This phrase can come across as invalidating and insensitive.
• “Have you tried [insert advice or treatment]?”
  Suggestions, no matter how well-intentioned, can shift the focus away from the griever’s feelings and make them feel unheard.
• “When my [relative/friend] experienced this, they did X…”
  Sharing your story can unintentionally center the conversation on yourself, leaving the griever feeling overlooked.

The Silent Second Half of the Sentence

Grief expert Megan Devine explains that phrases like these carry an unspoken message: “…so don’t be so sad.”

This silent second half can invalidate your loved one’s pain, alienate them, and signal that you might not be the safe person they can trust. And I know that’s not what you want.

What This Means for Your Relationship—and for You

When you avoid these common pitfalls, you create a space for authentic connection and healing. You’re showing your grieving person that you’re willing to sit with them in their pain, even when it’s hard.

But here’s something equally important: watch for the silent second half of the sentence in how you talk to yourself about your grief. Are you inadvertently dismissing your own pain? Offering yourself the same patience and compassion is key to healing.

A Gentle Next Step

In my next post, we’ll explore “Your Grief Story vs. Your Grief Sensations” and how understanding this distinction can help you process your loss more effectively. I hope you’ll join me.

If this post resonates with you, please share it with someone who may need these insights. You can also download my free resource, How to Support Grieving People (Including Yourself),or enroll in my self guided course, Hearts Held Well: Your Grief and Healing,  at the link below.

When You’re Ready for More

If you or your loved one would like deeper, personalized support, private grief coaching offers a compassionate space to explore your unique grief. Together, we’ll create a structured plan for healing and transformation. I invite you to schedule a free consultation call to see if grief coaching is the right fit for you.