The Silent Second Half of the Sentence Hurts

When someone says, “Don’t feel bad,” to a grieving person, it often comes from a place of love and an earnest desire to help. Yet, despite good intentions, this phrase can unintentionally harm the person in grief—and may even require repair to rebuild trust in the relationship.

Why? Because of what grief expert Megan Devine calls “the silent second half of the sentence.”

What’s the Silent Second Half of the Sentence?

When someone offers advice, attempts to fix, or tries to "bright-side" a grieving person’s pain, the griever often hears an unspoken message:

“…so don’t be so sad.”

This hidden subtext invalidates their emotions, diminishing the gravity of their loss and alienating them further. Instead of feeling supported, they might feel judged, silenced, or even dismissed.

Here are some common examples of well-meaning phrases, paired with the silent second half of the sentence:

• “At least you had 25 years together.” (…so don’t be so sad.)
• “At least you have other children.” (…so don’t be so sad.)
• “They’re in a better place.” (…so don’t be so sad.)
• “God will never give you more than you can handle.” (…so don’t be so sad.)
• “Everything happens for a reason.” (…so don’t be so sad.)

While these statements may seem comforting at first glance, they minimize the enormity of the loss the griever is experiencing. For example, telling a bereaved spouse that their partner is in a "better place" disregards the painful reality that, for the griever, being here with me would be the best place.

The Impact of “Don’t Feel Bad”

In its most generous interpretation, “Don’t feel bad” could mean:

1. Acknowledging Natural Emotions: A reminder that grief is natural and okay
2. Encouraging Self-Compassion: A way to soften self-blame
3. Offering Support: An attempt to reassure the person they’re not alone

But even in these contexts, there are better ways to communicate those sentiments without dismissing someone’s pain.

Instead of saying, “Don’t feel bad,” try:

• “I’m here for you, no matter how you feel.”
• “It’s okay to feel this deeply.”
• “Your emotions make sense to me.”

These phrases create space for the griever to feel safe, heard, and validated.

How This Applies to Self-Talk

The silent second half of the sentence doesn’t just appear in conversations with others—it can creep into how we talk to ourselves about grief. For example:

• “I should be over this by now.” (...so don’t be so sad.)
• “Other people have it worse than me.” (...so don’t be so sad.)

Be mindful of how you frame your grief. Offering yourself the same compassion you’d extend to a dear friend is crucial to healing.

Why Validation Matters

Grief is deeply personal. No two journeys are the same, and no one else has the right to dictate how someone should feel—or for how long. By choosing to validate rather than minimize, you offer a safe harbor for the griever to process their pain authentically.

If you’re supporting someone through grief, remember: You don’t have to fix their feelings. Simply being present and trustworthy in their darkest moments is one of the greatest gifts you can give.

Ready to Take the Next Step?

If you're grieving or supporting someone who is, working with a grief coach can provide the compassionate guidance you need. Through one-on-one coaching, you’ll find actionable steps and a structured plan for healing, tailored to your unique journey.