Setting Boundaries in Grief: Crucial for Protecting Your Emotional Well-Being

When you are grieving, setting and maintaining boundaries during the winter holidays (and always) is crucial for protecting your emotional well-being. Boundary-setting and maintenance take practice: You won’t always have the energy for it; you won’t always get it right; it may forever be uncomfortable; but  your rewards are bountiful as you begin to build the self-trust and self-confidence to practice.    

Here are some strategies to help you navigate this challenging time, with examples. These examples should help you apply each strategy in a practical way that suits your needs during this difficult time.

1. Acknowledge Your Feelings

• Accept Your Emotions: It's okay to feel sad, angry, or overwhelmed. Acknowledge your grief and give yourself permission to feel what you’re feeling.  If you're feeling sad, you might say to yourself, "It’s okay that I’m not feeling festive this year. Grief takes time, and it’s natural to feel this way."
• Communicate with Loved Ones: Let your family and friends know how you’re feeling. You don’t have to put on a brave face or pretend to be okay if you’re not. You could tell your family, "I’m finding it really hard to get into the holiday spirit this year. I might need to take things slow and may not participate in everything."

2. Set Clear Boundaries

• Decide What You Can Handle: Reflect on what activities or events you feel comfortable participating in. It’s okay to decline invitations or leave early if you need to. You might decide, "I can attend the Christmas dinner, but I’ll skip the gift exchange because it feels too overwhelming." You are your best guide in your grief.
• Be Honest About Your Needs:  If you’re not up for certain traditions or gatherings, let others know in advance. You can say, “This year, I need to take some time for myself” or “I’m not able to participate in this activity.” Tell your friend, "I’m not ready to join the holiday party this year. I need some quiet time instead."
• Limit Social Interactions: If large gatherings feel overwhelming, consider spending time with a smaller group or one-on-one with someone who understands your grief. If a large gathering feels too much, you could say, "I’d love to see you, but can we meet for coffee instead of going to the big family dinner?"

3. Practice Your Self-Care

• Prioritize Your Rest: The holidays can be exhausting, especially when you’re grieving. Make sure to get enough rest and take breaks when needed. You might set a boundary like, "I’ll attend the family gathering, but I’ll leave by 8 PM so I can get some rest."
• Create a Safe Space: Designate a place in your home where you can retreat if you need a moment to yourself. This could be a quiet room or a spot where you can relax and reflect. Set up a cozy corner with a blanket and a favorite book where you can retreat when needed.
• Do Things That Comfort You: Whether it’s reading, taking a walk, or listening to music, do things that help soothe your mind and body. If baking calms you, you might bake cookies on your own instead of participating in a big baking day with others.

  4. Rethink Traditions

• Modify Traditions: If old traditions are too painful, consider modifying them or creating new ones that honor your loved one in a way that feels more manageable.  If your family always decorated the tree together, you might choose to decorate a small tree in your room instead, where you can do it at your own pace.
• Skip What Feels Too Hard: If certain activities, like decorating or attending parties, feel too difficult, it’s okay to skip them this year. If watching a particular holiday movie is too painful, let your family know, "I’m not up for watching that movie this year. Maybe we can choose something else or skip it."

5. Seek Support

• Lean on Your Support System: Reach out to friends, family, or a grief professional who can offer support. Talking about your feelings and challenges can help lighten the emotional load. You could reach out to a close friend and say, "I’m struggling with the holidays this year. Can we talk or maybe go for a walk?"
• Join a Grief Group: Connecting with others who are also grieving can provide comfort and remind you that you’re not alone. Look for a local or online grief support group and attend a meeting to share your experience and listen to others who are going through something similar.

6. Communicate Your Boundaries Gently

• Use “I” Statements: Frame your boundaries using “I” statements to make them less confrontational. For example, “I need some quiet time today” or “I’m not ready for that right now.” You might say, "I need some time alone today to process my feelings, so I’ll be skipping the holiday lunch."
• Be Firm but Kind: It’s okay to say no, and you don’t have to justify your reasons. A simple “I’m not able to participate this year” can be enough. When declining an invitation, you could say, "Thank you for inviting me, but I’m not able to come this year. I hope you understand." 

7. Plan an Exit Strategy

• Have an Escape Plan: If you attend events, have an exit strategy in case you feel overwhelmed. Drive yourself or arrange for a way to leave when you need to. When attending a holiday event, you could tell the host, "I might need to leave early tonight. If I slip out quietly, it’s because I need some time to myself."
• Take Breaks: If you’re feeling overwhelmed, excuse yourself for a few minutes to take a breather or step outside for some fresh air. During a family gathering, you could step outside for a few minutes and say, "I’m just going to get some fresh air. I’ll be back shortly."

8. Be Gentle with Yourself

• Accept Imperfection: The holidays don’t have to be perfect, and it’s okay if things don’t go as planned. Be gentle with yourself and allow room for imperfections. Remind yourself, "It’s okay if I don’t decorate this year or if the dinner isn’t perfect. My well-being is what’s most important."
• Forgive Yourself: If you find yourself unable to meet expectations or participate fully, forgive yourself. Grief can be all-consuming, and it’s okay to prioritize your well-being. If you feel guilty for not participating fully, tell yourself, "I’m doing the best I can right now. It’s okay to put my needs first."

Setting boundaries during the winter holidays (and always) while grieving is crucial for protecting your emotional well-being. The holidays often come with social expectations, traditions, and gatherings that can be overwhelming, especially when you're dealing with loss. By setting boundaries, you create space to honor your grief and prioritize your needs during this challenging time.

BONUS: Here are 5 questions for you to consider, when you are creating a Holiday Coping Plan:

1. What emotions am I experiencing right now, and how can I acknowledge and honor these feelings during the holidays?
2. Which holiday activities or traditions feel manageable, and which ones do I need to modify or skip this year to protect my emotional well-being?
3. How can I clearly and kindly communicate my boundaries to loved ones without feeling guilty or pressured?
4. What self-care practices can I prioritize to ensure I’m taking care of my physical and emotional needs during the holiday season?
5. Who can I reach out to for support when I’m feeling overwhelmed, and how can I make use of my support system effectively? 

These questions help you  reflect on your needs, set and communicate boundaries, and ensure you have the support you need during this challenging season.