Dealing with Well-Meaning but Hurtful Comments During the Holidays, and Always

We live in a grief-averse, grief-illiterate society. People, even your dearest people, mean well and still unintentionally say the most hurtful things to grieving people. 

Dealing with well-meaning but hurtful comments during the holidays (and every day)  while grieving is an ongoing challenge. People often say things with the best intentions, but their words may inadvertently cause more pain. Here’s how to navigate these situations to give yourself a buffer and a bit of peace:

1. Prepare Yourself Mentally

• Anticipate Comments: Recognize that well-meaning but hurtful comments might come your way. Preparing yourself mentally can help you respond more calmly.
• Set an Intention: Before gatherings, set an intention to protect your emotional well-being. Remind yourself that you don’t have to respond to every comment or explain your feelings.

2. Respond with Grace

• Thank and Redirect: If someone says something like, “They’re in a better place now,” you can respond with, “Thank you for your kind thoughts,” and then gently steer the conversation to another topic.
• Acknowledge the Intention: If someone says, “You need to move on,” you might say, “I know you’re trying to help, and I appreciate your concern. Grief is a personal journey, and I’m taking it one day at a time.”

3. Set Boundaries

• Politely Decline Discussion: If someone insists on discussing your loss, you can say, “I’m not ready to talk about this right now, but I appreciate your understanding.”
• Use “I” Statements: To express your feelings without causing conflict, say something like, “I feel really tender about this topic, and it would help me if we could talk about something else.”

4. Use a Prepared Support Phrase

• Develop a Short, Reassuring Phrase: Create a phrase you can use when you’re at a loss for words, like, “I’m taking things one step at a time,” or “Thank you for understanding my need for space.”

5. Limit Exposure

• Take Breaks: If conversations become too overwhelming, excuse yourself for a short break. You could say, “I need a few moments of quiet. I’ll be back soon.”
• Attend Selective Gatherings: Consider skipping events where you expect the most uncomfortable conversations or attending only for a short time.

6. Educate Gently

• Provide Insight: If you feel up to it, gently explain how certain comments affect you. For example, “I know you mean well, but hearing that I should be over it by now is really hard. Grief doesn’t have a timeline.”
• Share Resources: You might offer a book or article on grief to help them understand your experience better.

7. Lean on a Support Person

• Bring a Supportive Friend or Family Member: If possible, bring someone who understands your grief to gatherings. They can help deflect conversations or offer support if comments become too much.
• Have a Pre-Arranged Signal: Agree on a subtle signal with your support person to indicate when you need help redirecting a conversation or when you want to leave.

8. Practice Self-Compassion

• Forgive Yourself for Your Reactions: If you find yourself getting upset or angry, remind yourself that it’s okay to feel this way. Grief is a difficult and personal experience.
• Allow Yourself to Feel: It’s natural to feel hurt by comments, even if they’re well-intentioned. Give yourself permission to process these emotions without judgment.

9. Follow Up Later

• Address the Issue Privately: If a close friend or relative makes a hurtful comment, you might want to talk to them privately later. Explain how their words affected you and suggest ways they can be more supportive in the future. You could send them this free resource, How to Support Grieving People (Including Yourself).

10. Take Care of Yourself Afterward

• Decompress: After the event, take time to decompress. Engage in self-care activities like taking a walk, journaling, or doing something that soothes you.
• Talk to a Trusted Person: If you need to vent or process what happened, reach out to someone who understands your grief and can offer comfort.

These strategies can help you manage well-meaning but hurtful comments with grace, protecting your emotional well-being during the holiday season.