Are You Getting Your Needs Met During the Winter Holidays?

The winter holidays are often filled with images of joy, togetherness, and celebration, but for those who are grieving, this time of year can feel particularly isolating and overwhelming. Grief expert David Kessler has identified six fundamental needs of grieving people, primarily focusing on the loss of a loved one by death. However, these needs are valuable to consider for anyone experiencing loss, especially during the holiday season.

If you find yourself heartbroken during the holidays, you might recognize these needs and reflect on whether they are being met. If you are supporting someone who is grieving, including yourself, understanding these needs can help you offer deeper, more meaningful support.

1. The Need to Have Your Pain Witnessed

The holidays can amplify feelings of loneliness and isolation, making it even more important to have your pain witnessed by others. Loss becomes more meaningful and bearable when someone else acknowledges it. There is no greater gift you can give someone in grief than to affirm and witness their pain, to sit with them just as they are, without trying to fix anything or take their pain away.

Holiday Tip: If you’re grieving, seek out those who can offer a compassionate ear. If you’re supporting someone in grief, simply being present and listening without judgment or offering solutions can be incredibly powerful.

2. The Need to Express Your Feelings

During the holidays, emotions can be heightened, making it difficult to navigate your feelings. Often, when we ask people in grief how they are, they delve into their grief story, which can be overwhelming and even re-traumatizing. It's essential to connect with how you’re feeling in the present moment, recognizing that no pain is permanent.

Holiday Tip: Take time to check in with yourself or your loved one about how you're feeling right now. Journaling or talking to a trusted friend can help process these emotions in a healthy way.

3. The Need to Release the Burden of Guilt

The holiday season often brings up feelings of guilt, especially when grieving. Our minds may prefer guilt over helplessness, but guilt can hinder the healing process. Redirecting “what ifs” to “even ifs” can help release this burden and allow you to feel your grief more fully.

Holiday Tip: If guilt arises, gently remind yourself or your loved one that it’s okay to feel joy during the holidays, even amidst grief. Finding a balance between honoring your loss and participating in holiday activities can be healing.

4. The Need to Be Free of Old Wounds

The holidays can trigger old wounds and past traumas, especially when grief is fresh. These unresolved issues may resurface, complicating your current grief. Developing tools and self-compassion to address these wounds can prevent them from limiting your healing journey.

Holiday Tip: Use this time to practice self-compassion and acknowledge any old wounds that may surface. Consider speaking with a grief coach or therapist who can help you work through these emotions.

5. The Need to Integrate the Pain and the Love

Grief doesn’t shrink over time, but you can grow around it. The holidays can be a time to integrate both the pain of loss and the love you still hold. Over time, you can remember with more love than pain, allowing yourself to grieve fully and live fully.

Holiday Tip: Create a holiday ritual that honors your loss while celebrating the love that remains. This could be lighting a candle, sharing memories, or dedicating a moment of silence in remembrance.

6. The Need to Find Meaning After Loss

Finding meaning after loss is deeply personal and takes time. The holidays can make this process more challenging, but also more significant. It’s important to remember that finding meaning doesn’t negate your loss; it simply adds another layer to your healing journey.

Holiday Tip: Allow yourself the space and time to reflect on what the holidays mean to you now, after your loss. There’s no rush to find meaning, but being open to it can bring a sense of peace and purpose.

You Deserve the Highest Level of Support

Grief is a unique and personal journey, especially during the holidays. You don’t have to navigate it alone. I offer one-on-one, confidential grief coaching to help you heal your heart and move forward with self-trust and clarity. Centering these six needs in my coaching sessions has brought powerful benefits to my clients, easing their suffering, helping them grieve fully, and live fully.

These benefits are available to you, too. If you’re ready to explore whether private grief coaching with me is the right fit, I invite you to schedule a free consultation call. Let’s begin this journey together.

BONUS: Here are 5 questions to ask yourself as you consider your Holiday Coping Plan or Holiday Comfort Plan (more on these plans in upcoming posts):

Here are five questions you might ask yourself to assess whether your needs are being met during the winter holidays:

1. Am I allowing myself to express my true feelings, or am I suppressing them to avoid discomfort or burdening others?
• This question helps you evaluate whether you're giving yourself permission to feel and express your emotions, which is crucial for processing grief.
2. Do I have someone who truly listens to me without trying to fix my pain, or do I feel alone in my grief?
• Reflecting on this question can help you determine if your need to have your pain witnessed is being met, which is essential for feeling understood and supported.
3. Am I holding onto feelings of guilt or regret, and how is this affecting my ability to grieve?
• This question encourages you to examine any guilt you're experiencing and consider how it's impacting your healing process, allowing you to focus on moving forward.
4. Are old wounds or past traumas resurfacing during this time, and am I addressing them with self-compassion?
• By asking this, you can assess whether unresolved issues are complicating your grief and whether you're being kind to yourself as you navigate these emotions.
5. Am I finding ways to integrate both the pain of my loss and the love I still have, or do I feel stuck in one aspect of my grief?
• This question helps you consider if you're balancing the pain with positive memories, which is important for allowing yourself to heal while honoring your loss.

Share the Support

If this post resonated with you, please share it with those who might be struggling this holiday season. Together, we can create a more compassionate world for those in grief.

For additional support, download my free grief guide: How to Support Grieving People (Including Yourself).